Easter and the lovely hurricane that followed..

Easter was great! We celebrated on Saturday morning with my parents, and then Eric's parents were down, so we celebrated with them the rest of Saturday and half of Sunday. The girls thought that was the coolest thing in the world! The Easter Bunny came twice, and they got to color eggs twice! But I did feel kind of bad because this last week before my in-laws came to stay with us, I tried to get stuff clean, and just struggled because of the pain from the cysts. (Which I am still struggling with.) I was especially embarassed, and completely sick right now, because we have 4 dogs living in the house, and only 1 is completely house broken. The other adult should be but is kind of a stinker because he likes to mark his territory. But we weren't doing too bad until the puppies came along. Now they are 12 weeks old and I am having harder time selling them than I thought. And in the mean time, I am also struggling to house train them because I have been so BUSY! I have been using any free time I have to do tax and ebay stuff for my dad and ant food for my uncle. That's on top of taking care of three kids, being in and out of the emergency room, and everything else! Needless to say, my house does not smell the greatest. So I tried cleaning the carpets before they came, because we have a Bissell cleaner, and it still smells horrendous!! I am so embarrassed that I for sure would not allow anyone that wasn't family in my house right now! I feel like a complete failure as a home maker! Hopefully we will be getting rid of the little dogs, and now that tax season is over, I SHOULD be little bit less busy, but...who knows. I still have several things that have come up, like the fact that my baby has like...four or five cavities!! Talk about feeling like a failure again! Poor thing! She is only a year and a half. So now I have to figure out what our insurance covers, because we haven't used it too much this year, and see if I can get her (and the five year old...I knew she had cavities.) into a pediatric dentist. My kids aren't so good at the dentist. I also am finding out that I may have some more serious issues with infertility. So now I have to decide how much I really feel I am supposeed to have another. I have to either go in for blood tests, and possibly more extensive infertility treatments, since all the Clomid did was give me cysts, or I need to have everything removed. Problem is, I don't know with the kids dental work and the fact that in the last 4 months I have had 3 emergency room trips, whether we would have money to do anything with my condition. But if not, the only thing I can do is sit around and hope I can find a doctor that will work with me and give me pain meds (not promising) or end up in the ER more often. Not to mention the main problem everyone has with the pain meds anyway...they don't want me hooked. Ugh! What do you do when every choice, is not actually a choice? Or at least not a very realistic one? Now that I have digressed...I am desperate friends!! My house smell makes me want to run away and never come home! I don't even feel like my house is fit to live in right now! Does anyone have ANY ideas on how to get the smell out?? I have tried cleaning the carpets with a mixture of the Bissell pet odor removal solution, color safe bleach, and oxyclean. I thought for sure that would do it! It was better, but not great. And not for very long. The smell came back! I am thinking I am going to have to break down and get it done professionally. One more thing that HAS to be done with non existent money....am I the only one with problems that can't be solved! P.S. This post was meant to be happy. I wanted it to be happy. And things really are going okay. I just have a lot to think about and alot to do that seems kinda impossiblish right now. But I love my life, I love my family, and I am truly grateful for everything I am blessed with!! Just wanted everyone to know that I don't mean to be so negative. I just put down what is in my head because it helps me think. But then it tends to sound whiny. :) But see...I am still smiliing... this big!! :) :) :)

And beyond...

I put Vegas and beyond...but then decided to break it in to two posts. As most of you who know us know, we are trying to have another baby. Many people think we are crazy because of the health problems I have and the problems I have taking care of the 3 wonderful girls I have. But I have thought, fasted, and prayed long and hard, and feel that this decision is the right one for our family. I don't want to leave anyone behind! Well...I have not had a period since getting pregnant with Samara. That is 2 1/2 years now!! A lot of you ladies may be thinking that I must be crazy to complain about it! While I have enjoyed not having a period, especially because with my already painful condition, the periods REALLY cause trouble and completely wipe me out, with out a period, there is no ovulation. Thus...no possibility of pregnancy or baby. At first my docs assumed it was because I was breastfeeding even though I had breastfed my last, and it still had come back by before that amount of time. Then I stopped the breastfeeding and still...nothing. So, they used progesterone to try and jump start the periods. It caused a few days of weak bleeding and that's it. Well, this last time (I had taken the progesterone 2X's before this) they upped the dosage of progesterone and then told me, on my fifth day of bleeding to take Clomid, which I had requested to try and get pregnant. I really feel like my family has one more little one that is supposed to come to this earth through me. Because of recent happenings; increased pain, problems with the absence of support from friends family and doctors who have decided that they know what is best for me, and the fact that I have had to use medicines to even get pregnant, I have been doubting my answer that I need to have this last baby. I am still trying to do the things I need to, to hold my head up high and know that I have made the best decision I can, but in the mean time...I am just waiting and hoping. A few days ago, I went to the emergency room after spending all night and morning, nauseated and in immense pain. After medicating me, doing blood work, and running a CT, they found cysts on both sides of my ovaries...again!! So, now I am playing several waiting games. They did run a blood pregnancy test which was negative, but I am pretty sure, and still holding out hope, that it was too early. Probably in the implantation stage which can't be detected. Even in blood. I can do a home test Easter weekend, so everyone please cross your fingers and pray for a miracle!! Now I am also just on pain meds, waiting to see if these cysts are going to pop (OUCH!! Been there, done that. Not looking forward to it again) and go away on their own. Otherwise, surgery it is for me...again! I know...I sound like a broken record! It is so annoying to be in so much pain. I can't move without pain, so everything I have to do for my babies, is excruciating! Not to mention cleaning...or the lack thereof. I can't clean. It's off limits for now. So my house is being over run my tornado children. Then there's the lack of sleep because the pain wakes me, and I have to take more meds and wait for them to work before it's a dull enough pain that I can go back to sleep! Needless to say, I am extra worried about my foray into the baby making department. I feel like this is my last chance! If these meds didn't work, I doubt my doctor, or my husband for that matter, will let me take more because of the pain it causes. And I also can't just wait around for me to get pregnant naturally since we have been trying that for months and it hasn't worked. And everyday, the pain gets worse, and so we need to find a solution. In fact, at this point my docs think my body is going into premature menopause at age 27. So the only way to get pregnant is medicine! It's all one big circle with no end and no answer....so please...please pray for me and my family that something will work out. Or maybe Heavenly Father wants me to go through the motions like Abraham with his son. I am just really praying that I get to have this last baby....

Vegas!! And beyond...

Our anniversary was on the 21st of March. Eric and I have been married for 6 years now! Wow! Time flies! We wanted to spend a night alone, away from the kids and stresses of life, but alas...it didn't happen. I worked hard to wean Samara so that we could, but even though she is completely weaned for a month now, my mom and sister didn't want to have to deal with her mommy attatchement. So instead, we made it a family excursion. Which, while not less stressful, was still a lot of fun! We went to Vegas and spent the night in "the princess castle", otherwise known as Excalibur. Our little girls thought that they were the luckiest little girls in the world because they got to sleep in their very own castle! We did a lot of fun stuff while we were there. It kept us busy, we were constantly running from one thing to another. And the best part...it was all free! That's what we love about Vegas! There are so many shows, and displays, and fun things to look at, that cost absolutely nothing! We watched the Bellagio water fountain show, the Mirage volcano (which freaked out our girls. I think they thought the fire was going to burn them...)the Freemont light experience, the lions at MGM grand, and checked out the M&M factory...to name a few. Sami loves lions and tigers. She has never actually seen one, but I frequently wear t-shirts from Hurricane High that have Tigers on them and she grins, points to it and says "Rawr!" So I was SO excited to take her to the Lion habitat. And boy was it great! This experience just made my trip. We got there a little early, so we just waited by the big glass cage for the lions to appear. At first, she didn't know what we were doing. Then she started hearing the lion roars that were coming from the speakers overhead, so she kept looking up in the trees in the habitat, bouncing up and down and saying rawr. She was starting to figure it out. But boy...when those lions came out...she was literally trying to climb into the glass cage with them!! And when that didn't work, she had to get as close as she could. The whole time she was giggling and rawring and jabbering away. We chased those lions all over that habitat. One jumped down on the plexiglass overhead and to this day, when we say something about the lion she jabbers away, looks up and points, which is her way of telling people that she had a lion jump on her head! It is SO cute. Nessie is entertained by everything and nothing...depending on the day, and the time. She was pretty happy go lucky in Vegas. She seemed to be entertained by what ever we were doing. She likes to be right in the heart of the mess, and boy was she ever at home in a crazy place like Vegas! Kiya begged us from the beginning to go to the M&M factory. She and Nessie have been to Vegas before, but Kiya is the only one big enough to remember. Ness was too little and Sam was inside! She remembered the M&M place, and so we went there for her. We went through all four floors and got pictures next to the M&M race car, the giant M&M's and the M&M Vegas postcard thing, just like last time. We also let her choose something to buy to remind her of the occasion. So she got a cool pen. All in all, the trip was great fun, very tiring, and fairly painful for me (but isn't everything?) but it was very memorable and I am very glad we did it! I love my husband very much and we tired the kids out enought that we even had some alone time on our anniversary trip! I can't wait for the many more years to come that we have to celebrate our love together!

The things I do....

Everyone knows that my life is no bed of roses and they are probably tired of hearing about it. In fact, some people I absolutely know are tired of hearing about it and they want me to do something about it. I have been told repeatedly by doctors, family, friends that I should just have my hysterectomy and be done. Because apparently they all know how easy of a decision it is. (that was sarcastic by the way!) But I keep fighting back! I am 26, and I am no done having kids! But as the weeks and months drag by, turning into 7 years of relentless pain, problems, medicine, doctor and emergency room visits, my will is slowing being ground down. I want another baby so bad!!! I feel so strongly that I am meant to have another one! And yet...the last several months I have been working on trying to get my body back to doing what it needs to do to conceive. And as I have done this, something in there is going whack! I would have to say the entirely too huge, slightly larger than golf ball sized vein is just having a party in there and getting bigger as time goes on. And of course, the larger it gets, the worse the pain gets! But my treatment for that(the good ol' hysterectomy) is being put off until I can have this last baby. So 2 weeks ago, I end up going to the emergency room because the pain was bad enough that I, a) needed some really strong drugs!, b) wanted to make sure this wasn't appendicitis masquerading as all of my usual problems, and c) make sure I wasn't dealing with cysts or an ectopic pregnancy. And of course, they came back with a, "we don't know for sure" but my white blood count was elevated and I had a fever, so it still could be the beginning of appendicitis, but they didn't think that was it. They figured it was unexplainable (ideopathic)pelvic pain. Something I have heard many times. And ever since that day, there hasn't been my usual, had a few bad days, then a few good days, then a few bad ones...they have all been bad! No energy, lot's of pain, and the depression likes to sneak in there really nice and tell me what a poor excuse for a human being I am. Shortly after that, I completely weaned my 18 month old so that I can take progesterone to cause me to have a period, so that I can take Clomid, and(fingers crossed) get pregnant with this last one. Well, that should tell you just how much I want this baby. I am willing to fight horrendous days filled with lots of pain and problems. I feel like I give every ounce I have to my family, and obviously future family, only to be told by some people that I am neglecting what I have for something that may never be. It makes life very difficult. I just don't understand why people can't put themselves in my place and stop judging who I am and the decisions I make. Now before I can get more depressed, or I go off on a tangent and make this more sporadic than it already is...we'll leave it at that.

Anyone for some pain?

First let me say...pain sucks! If I ever get my body to a point where it is painfree, I will never take it for granted! Just when I thought I was healing nicely from my surgery...this happens. I got on this big kick on Monday to really get my life into some semblance of order and structure. Not that I haven't tried before...but I will continue until I can get it right! I am just so envious of all the mothers I see out there who can do whatever they want with their kids, whenever they want! The mom's who have their kids in activities, who bake with and for their kids, who keep a neat tidy house while educating and playing with their kids. I cry every night because my girls got the raw end of a sad deal. Mommy can't do anything but sit and pop pills. And occasionally type on the computer. So..I tried to kick my butt into high gear. I made myself a good list of housework and what days I needed to do what. I made a schedule of times for meals, baths, bedtimes, naptimes..etc. Then Tuesday, I took the bull by the horns and tackled my lists and schedules with zeal! By the end of the day I had accomplished it all save a few tasks and I was s proud! My kids were dressed, hair all done, and they were promptly fed, played with, bathed and had a clean house. (Well, relatively clean because I couldn't accomplish the whole house in one day.) I went to bed and was actually excited to do it again tomorrow and thought that maybe this time, I could actually stick to it and finally be the mom I want to be. Because, I have tried before. I have never been able to stick to a schedule as well as I did that day though. And inevitably I always hit a bad day where some pain or another stops me in my tracks, but I was feeling SO good! Then...I slept so badly. I couldn't even rest on my back the tailbone pain was so horrible. By the time I couldn't stand it anymore it was 7 in the morning. When I woke up, I also realized my sinuses were filled with pressure and pain and my entire pelvis was cramping and throbbing and I thought I was gonna throw up! I went and took A LOT of different pills and sat for a while. But not before my baby woke up because I left the bed and then the 3 year old woke up, and so started the day with TONS of pain from every side, and cranky kids who hadn't had enough sleep. (For those of you who don't know, we are all night owls and late sleepers. :)) It was a day from you know where and all I could do all days was pop pills and cry about how much pain I was in and how I had only lasted a day before completely blowing all my work. And the worst part is that my bad days come in a least 3's. That's how long it will be before my sinuses can clear, my tailbone that I am praying just flared up because it is resisting how much work I did at once, stops throbbing and whatever cysts and female crap that is going on calms down so that my vein just throbs painfully like normal can come to fruittion. Do you know how hard it is to endure to the end...when you don't know if there is ever going to be an end? And remember how I said I wanted to focus less on me and more on my kids on my page....this is why I can't. I can't remember most of what my kids did today other than fight because I was in so much pain that it completely blocks everything out. Well, now that I have ranted and ruined everyone's day...I need to go to bed before I start crying again. I go to bed in hopes that tomorrow is a new day....and hopefully a less painful one!

Sometimes I wonder about me...

I felt very proud of myself today. I got up, (a rare occurance) got dressed in real clothes (and even more rare occurance) and went to Costco and WalMart with all three girls in tow (This is a non occurance). Which makes me wonder what this says about me. I mean..seriously now. I see people with 3 and 4 kids at the store by themselves all the time! Some of them are even male! (It's elusive I know, but sometimes you spot them. I think they are nearly extinct. My husband is one of them. I don't know why. Maybe to prove he is as good or better than me...anyway..) But for me, this is a major accomplishment. Of course, that was all I did the ENTIRE day. But..at least I did something...right? I had to come back home and put myself in a drug induced stupor for the next 6 hours. I just love it. If you have ever had your appendix rupture, I have to say...I feel for you. On a regular basis. Like..everyday. Well, I just had to pat myself on the back for that one. Now as for something cute for the day, I am sure there were many things but since I have the memory of Ten Second Larry, the cutest thing I can remember today was when I put in one of my little girls' favorite movies; Alice in Wonderland. (It actually started out as mommy's favorite, and since it was the only one she would let her cute little girls watch a thousand times a day, it became EVERYONE's favorite...except daddy, of course. He can't stand it!) Well, I put in Alice, and as it was running through the opening song and credits, my littlest, Sami, who is only 18 months ( which I am pretty sure I have stated like..I don't know..5 times since I started this blog) started singing gibberish to the song...but on tune!! I am a very proud mama because, anyone who knows my family, knows we are well known for our singing abilities. (My husband...well...let's just say he isn't. But I love him!!) People are always teasing that you have to audition to get in our family. (Which, my husband, case in point, obviously didn't. Still love you honey!!) And my girls, I am very proud to say, are all exceptional in that area so far. All of them, since they were little could sing fairly on tune, even if they don't know the words. So I thought that was very cute. Now I am going to take a few seconds and tell everyone that I have come to realize, (even more than before) what a big mouth I have and how much it gets me in trouble. I wrote a list on Facebook of 25 random things about me, and have been having very uncomfortable, red-in-the-face conversations with people since. Apparently not adding names to some of the suspicious deeds that transpired in my youth, (like when I was in college. I was a little wild then.) have stirred up some pretty interesting conversations. So if any of those misdeeds sound familiar to you, or you may have been a cohort (except for the obvious one in which my brother Nathan was obviously the trespasser, in which case I will shout his misdeed from the rooftops. Stinkin hair cutter!!! You didn't even take classes!) or you think that you know someone that knew someone that heard about something. Stop! It wasn't you! Or them! Or...well...okay...it might be! But that's for me to know, and you to......not. :)

Blog Wild!

So I don't know how well I will do with this whole blog thing...as you can see I have had this page for several months and there are only a few entries and I just barely did enough research to find a cute background and figure out how to put in on. But I have already, in a few short days, found many friends with blogs, and I have started to go a little blog wild!! My next step will be to see what pictures I can get put on this page. I spend most of my computer time on Facebook and have my pictures and things there, but I have found some blogging friends who are not on Facebook, so I will try to get pictures of my wonderful little princesses on here for you! This is in some ways like a journal on line so I am worried about how well I will do with it, because I KNOW how well I do with journals. But we will see. I have noticed how much everyone writes little things about their kids, what cute things they do and say, and about their personalities. I need to do more of that. A lot of what I have done so far is to rant about my extremely frustrating medical problems because, at the end of the day, that is what is foremost on my mind. Mainly because that is when the pain is the worst, but also because the girls are usually asleep so I don't need to think about them as much. It's me time! But I will try and do more of that because my girls are really cute and do many silly, unforgettable things. Like right now, as Kiya, who will be five next month (Kindergarten this year...yikes! I feel old) and Nessa, who is now 3 1/2 are looking at a "map" (a piece of lined paper on which they have written a bunch of swirls with an X in the midst) talking about being a team and searching for treasure by finding the X. Kiya is telling Nessa to quit sitting there, cuz teams don't just sit there and do nothing and they are a team! And my favorite right now is watching the girls with our nearly 2 week old pomeranian puppies. Sami (who will be 18 months in Feb.) calls them her "babies". They love to hold them and kiss them and rock them. Those little puppies are beyond loved! If we can find the right cords I will download those pictures. Well, I could write forever and I have tons I would love to discuss (with myself!) but I will save it for another day.

Surgery update

First of all, for those of you following this, sorry it took me so long to let everyone know how the surgery went. Hope you didn't think I died! :) The surgery went well, but the road to recovery has been long and tedious...and it's not over yet! I haven't been able to sit down for very long for about 4 weeks now. I haven't been able to attend church, drive, or many other things that are normally taken for granted. I still have an open wound, but it is closing up pretty good now. All of the muscles that attatch to the tail bone had to be cut when it was removed, so needless to say, it is pretty sore. But they are starting to heal and not ache quite so bad. I stayed with my parents for about 3 or 4 days after the surgery, at which time they kicked me out and I have been on my own, trying to take care of my kids and house while dealing with the pain. It's been kinda hard, but like I said, I am pretty well on the mend and things are getting back to normal. And by back to normal, I mean the varicose vein in my side is hurting so bad that every day it feels like something inside me is exploding! Ahhh..the fun of my life! So....now I just gotta address that problem. Now it's time to decide how strongly I feel, or how badly I want to have another baby. I need to weigh whether I can take on the pain for the amount of time it takes to get pregnant again and still function to take care of my children. I have 3 girls that need me so if I can't deal with the pain, then the only option I have left is to have the next surgery so that I can get on with my life and take care of my little ones. This is the hardest decision I have EVER had to make because if I had my choice, I would be healthy and pain free and continue to have as many kids as I possibly could. But it looks like my choices are limited to maybe one more. I have spent many nights crying and praying and many other things lately, and still, the decision isn't made yet. So I guess I will continue to cry, pray, and waiver....for now.