Wednesday, February 11, 2009
First let me say...pain sucks! If I ever get my body to a point where it is painfree, I will never take it for granted! Just when I thought I was healing nicely from my surgery...this happens. I got on this big kick on Monday to really get my life into some semblance of order and structure. Not that I haven't tried before...but I will continue until I can get it right! I am just so envious of all the mothers I see out there who can do whatever they want with their kids, whenever they want! The mom's who have their kids in activities, who bake with and for their kids, who keep a neat tidy house while educating and playing with their kids. I cry every night because my girls got the raw end of a sad deal. Mommy can't do anything but sit and pop pills. And occasionally type on the computer. So..I tried to kick my butt into high gear. I made myself a good list of housework and what days I needed to do what. I made a schedule of times for meals, baths, bedtimes, naptimes..etc. Then Tuesday, I took the bull by the horns and tackled my lists and schedules with zeal! By the end of the day I had accomplished it all save a few tasks and I was s proud! My kids were dressed, hair all done, and they were promptly fed, played with, bathed and had a clean house. (Well, relatively clean because I couldn't accomplish the whole house in one day.) I went to bed and was actually excited to do it again tomorrow and thought that maybe this time, I could actually stick to it and finally be the mom I want to be. Because, I have tried before. I have never been able to stick to a schedule as well as I did that day though. And inevitably I always hit a bad day where some pain or another stops me in my tracks, but I was feeling SO good! Then...I slept so badly. I couldn't even rest on my back the tailbone pain was so horrible. By the time I couldn't stand it anymore it was 7 in the morning. When I woke up, I also realized my sinuses were filled with pressure and pain and my entire pelvis was cramping and throbbing and I thought I was gonna throw up! I went and took A LOT of different pills and sat for a while. But not before my baby woke up because I left the bed and then the 3 year old woke up, and so started the day with TONS of pain from every side, and cranky kids who hadn't had enough sleep. (For those of you who don't know, we are all night owls and late sleepers. :)) It was a day from you know where and all I could do all days was pop pills and cry about how much pain I was in and how I had only lasted a day before completely blowing all my work. And the worst part is that my bad days come in a least 3's. That's how long it will be before my sinuses can clear, my tailbone that I am praying just flared up because it is resisting how much work I did at once, stops throbbing and whatever cysts and female crap that is going on calms down so that my vein just throbs painfully like normal can come to fruittion. Do you know how hard it is to endure to the end...when you don't know if there is ever going to be an end? And remember how I said I wanted to focus less on me and more on my kids on my page....this is why I can't. I can't remember most of what my kids did today other than fight because I was in so much pain that it completely blocks everything out. Well, now that I have ranted and ruined everyone's day...I need to go to bed before I start crying again. I go to bed in hopes that tomorrow is a new day....and hopefully a less painful one!