Monday, March 16, 2009

The things I do....

Everyone knows that my life is no bed of roses and they are probably tired of hearing about it. In fact, some people I absolutely know are tired of hearing about it and they want me to do something about it. I have been told repeatedly by doctors, family, friends that I should just have my hysterectomy and be done. Because apparently they all know how easy of a decision it is. (that was sarcastic by the way!) But I keep fighting back! I am 26, and I am no done having kids! But as the weeks and months drag by, turning into 7 years of relentless pain, problems, medicine, doctor and emergency room visits, my will is slowing being ground down. I want another baby so bad!!! I feel so strongly that I am meant to have another one! And yet...the last several months I have been working on trying to get my body back to doing what it needs to do to conceive. And as I have done this, something in there is going whack! I would have to say the entirely too huge, slightly larger than golf ball sized vein is just having a party in there and getting bigger as time goes on. And of course, the larger it gets, the worse the pain gets! But my treatment for that(the good ol' hysterectomy) is being put off until I can have this last baby. So 2 weeks ago, I end up going to the emergency room because the pain was bad enough that I, a) needed some really strong drugs!, b) wanted to make sure this wasn't appendicitis masquerading as all of my usual problems, and c) make sure I wasn't dealing with cysts or an ectopic pregnancy. And of course, they came back with a, "we don't know for sure" but my white blood count was elevated and I had a fever, so it still could be the beginning of appendicitis, but they didn't think that was it. They figured it was unexplainable (ideopathic)pelvic pain. Something I have heard many times. And ever since that day, there hasn't been my usual, had a few bad days, then a few good days, then a few bad ones...they have all been bad! No energy, lot's of pain, and the depression likes to sneak in there really nice and tell me what a poor excuse for a human being I am. Shortly after that, I completely weaned my 18 month old so that I can take progesterone to cause me to have a period, so that I can take Clomid, and(fingers crossed) get pregnant with this last one. Well, that should tell you just how much I want this baby. I am willing to fight horrendous days filled with lots of pain and problems. I feel like I give every ounce I have to my family, and obviously future family, only to be told by some people that I am neglecting what I have for something that may never be. It makes life very difficult. I just don't understand why people can't put themselves in my place and stop judging who I am and the decisions I make. Now before I can get more depressed, or I go off on a tangent and make this more sporadic than it already is...we'll leave it at that.

No comments: