The things I do....

Everyone knows that my life is no bed of roses and they are probably tired of hearing about it. In fact, some people I absolutely know are tired of hearing about it and they want me to do something about it. I have been told repeatedly by doctors, family, friends that I should just have my hysterectomy and be done. Because apparently they all know how easy of a decision it is. (that was sarcastic by the way!) But I keep fighting back! I am 26, and I am no done having kids! But as the weeks and months drag by, turning into 7 years of relentless pain, problems, medicine, doctor and emergency room visits, my will is slowing being ground down. I want another baby so bad!!! I feel so strongly that I am meant to have another one! And yet...the last several months I have been working on trying to get my body back to doing what it needs to do to conceive. And as I have done this, something in there is going whack! I would have to say the entirely too huge, slightly larger than golf ball sized vein is just having a party in there and getting bigger as time goes on. And of course, the larger it gets, the worse the pain gets! But my treatment for that(the good ol' hysterectomy) is being put off until I can have this last baby. So 2 weeks ago, I end up going to the emergency room because the pain was bad enough that I, a) needed some really strong drugs!, b) wanted to make sure this wasn't appendicitis masquerading as all of my usual problems, and c) make sure I wasn't dealing with cysts or an ectopic pregnancy. And of course, they came back with a, "we don't know for sure" but my white blood count was elevated and I had a fever, so it still could be the beginning of appendicitis, but they didn't think that was it. They figured it was unexplainable (ideopathic)pelvic pain. Something I have heard many times. And ever since that day, there hasn't been my usual, had a few bad days, then a few good days, then a few bad ones...they have all been bad! No energy, lot's of pain, and the depression likes to sneak in there really nice and tell me what a poor excuse for a human being I am. Shortly after that, I completely weaned my 18 month old so that I can take progesterone to cause me to have a period, so that I can take Clomid, and(fingers crossed) get pregnant with this last one. Well, that should tell you just how much I want this baby. I am willing to fight horrendous days filled with lots of pain and problems. I feel like I give every ounce I have to my family, and obviously future family, only to be told by some people that I am neglecting what I have for something that may never be. It makes life very difficult. I just don't understand why people can't put themselves in my place and stop judging who I am and the decisions I make. Now before I can get more depressed, or I go off on a tangent and make this more sporadic than it already is...we'll leave it at that.

Anyone for some pain?

First let me say...pain sucks! If I ever get my body to a point where it is painfree, I will never take it for granted! Just when I thought I was healing nicely from my surgery...this happens. I got on this big kick on Monday to really get my life into some semblance of order and structure. Not that I haven't tried before...but I will continue until I can get it right! I am just so envious of all the mothers I see out there who can do whatever they want with their kids, whenever they want! The mom's who have their kids in activities, who bake with and for their kids, who keep a neat tidy house while educating and playing with their kids. I cry every night because my girls got the raw end of a sad deal. Mommy can't do anything but sit and pop pills. And occasionally type on the computer. So..I tried to kick my butt into high gear. I made myself a good list of housework and what days I needed to do what. I made a schedule of times for meals, baths, bedtimes, naptimes..etc. Then Tuesday, I took the bull by the horns and tackled my lists and schedules with zeal! By the end of the day I had accomplished it all save a few tasks and I was s proud! My kids were dressed, hair all done, and they were promptly fed, played with, bathed and had a clean house. (Well, relatively clean because I couldn't accomplish the whole house in one day.) I went to bed and was actually excited to do it again tomorrow and thought that maybe this time, I could actually stick to it and finally be the mom I want to be. Because, I have tried before. I have never been able to stick to a schedule as well as I did that day though. And inevitably I always hit a bad day where some pain or another stops me in my tracks, but I was feeling SO good! Then...I slept so badly. I couldn't even rest on my back the tailbone pain was so horrible. By the time I couldn't stand it anymore it was 7 in the morning. When I woke up, I also realized my sinuses were filled with pressure and pain and my entire pelvis was cramping and throbbing and I thought I was gonna throw up! I went and took A LOT of different pills and sat for a while. But not before my baby woke up because I left the bed and then the 3 year old woke up, and so started the day with TONS of pain from every side, and cranky kids who hadn't had enough sleep. (For those of you who don't know, we are all night owls and late sleepers. :)) It was a day from you know where and all I could do all days was pop pills and cry about how much pain I was in and how I had only lasted a day before completely blowing all my work. And the worst part is that my bad days come in a least 3's. That's how long it will be before my sinuses can clear, my tailbone that I am praying just flared up because it is resisting how much work I did at once, stops throbbing and whatever cysts and female crap that is going on calms down so that my vein just throbs painfully like normal can come to fruittion. Do you know how hard it is to endure to the end...when you don't know if there is ever going to be an end? And remember how I said I wanted to focus less on me and more on my kids on my page....this is why I can't. I can't remember most of what my kids did today other than fight because I was in so much pain that it completely blocks everything out. Well, now that I have ranted and ruined everyone's day...I need to go to bed before I start crying again. I go to bed in hopes that tomorrow is a new day....and hopefully a less painful one!

Sometimes I wonder about me...

I felt very proud of myself today. I got up, (a rare occurance) got dressed in real clothes (and even more rare occurance) and went to Costco and WalMart with all three girls in tow (This is a non occurance). Which makes me wonder what this says about me. I mean..seriously now. I see people with 3 and 4 kids at the store by themselves all the time! Some of them are even male! (It's elusive I know, but sometimes you spot them. I think they are nearly extinct. My husband is one of them. I don't know why. Maybe to prove he is as good or better than me...anyway..) But for me, this is a major accomplishment. Of course, that was all I did the ENTIRE day. But..at least I did something...right? I had to come back home and put myself in a drug induced stupor for the next 6 hours. I just love it. If you have ever had your appendix rupture, I have to say...I feel for you. On a regular basis. Like..everyday. Well, I just had to pat myself on the back for that one. Now as for something cute for the day, I am sure there were many things but since I have the memory of Ten Second Larry, the cutest thing I can remember today was when I put in one of my little girls' favorite movies; Alice in Wonderland. (It actually started out as mommy's favorite, and since it was the only one she would let her cute little girls watch a thousand times a day, it became EVERYONE's favorite...except daddy, of course. He can't stand it!) Well, I put in Alice, and as it was running through the opening song and credits, my littlest, Sami, who is only 18 months ( which I am pretty sure I have stated like..I don't know..5 times since I started this blog) started singing gibberish to the song...but on tune!! I am a very proud mama because, anyone who knows my family, knows we are well known for our singing abilities. (My husband...well...let's just say he isn't. But I love him!!) People are always teasing that you have to audition to get in our family. (Which, my husband, case in point, obviously didn't. Still love you honey!!) And my girls, I am very proud to say, are all exceptional in that area so far. All of them, since they were little could sing fairly on tune, even if they don't know the words. So I thought that was very cute. Now I am going to take a few seconds and tell everyone that I have come to realize, (even more than before) what a big mouth I have and how much it gets me in trouble. I wrote a list on Facebook of 25 random things about me, and have been having very uncomfortable, red-in-the-face conversations with people since. Apparently not adding names to some of the suspicious deeds that transpired in my youth, (like when I was in college. I was a little wild then.) have stirred up some pretty interesting conversations. So if any of those misdeeds sound familiar to you, or you may have been a cohort (except for the obvious one in which my brother Nathan was obviously the trespasser, in which case I will shout his misdeed from the rooftops. Stinkin hair cutter!!! You didn't even take classes!) or you think that you know someone that knew someone that heard about something. Stop! It wasn't you! Or them! Or...well...okay...it might be! But that's for me to know, and you to......not. :)

Blog Wild!

So I don't know how well I will do with this whole blog thing...as you can see I have had this page for several months and there are only a few entries and I just barely did enough research to find a cute background and figure out how to put in on. But I have already, in a few short days, found many friends with blogs, and I have started to go a little blog wild!! My next step will be to see what pictures I can get put on this page. I spend most of my computer time on Facebook and have my pictures and things there, but I have found some blogging friends who are not on Facebook, so I will try to get pictures of my wonderful little princesses on here for you! This is in some ways like a journal on line so I am worried about how well I will do with it, because I KNOW how well I do with journals. But we will see. I have noticed how much everyone writes little things about their kids, what cute things they do and say, and about their personalities. I need to do more of that. A lot of what I have done so far is to rant about my extremely frustrating medical problems because, at the end of the day, that is what is foremost on my mind. Mainly because that is when the pain is the worst, but also because the girls are usually asleep so I don't need to think about them as much. It's me time! But I will try and do more of that because my girls are really cute and do many silly, unforgettable things. Like right now, as Kiya, who will be five next month (Kindergarten this year...yikes! I feel old) and Nessa, who is now 3 1/2 are looking at a "map" (a piece of lined paper on which they have written a bunch of swirls with an X in the midst) talking about being a team and searching for treasure by finding the X. Kiya is telling Nessa to quit sitting there, cuz teams don't just sit there and do nothing and they are a team! And my favorite right now is watching the girls with our nearly 2 week old pomeranian puppies. Sami (who will be 18 months in Feb.) calls them her "babies". They love to hold them and kiss them and rock them. Those little puppies are beyond loved! If we can find the right cords I will download those pictures. Well, I could write forever and I have tons I would love to discuss (with myself!) but I will save it for another day.

Surgery update

First of all, for those of you following this, sorry it took me so long to let everyone know how the surgery went. Hope you didn't think I died! :) The surgery went well, but the road to recovery has been long and tedious...and it's not over yet! I haven't been able to sit down for very long for about 4 weeks now. I haven't been able to attend church, drive, or many other things that are normally taken for granted. I still have an open wound, but it is closing up pretty good now. All of the muscles that attatch to the tail bone had to be cut when it was removed, so needless to say, it is pretty sore. But they are starting to heal and not ache quite so bad. I stayed with my parents for about 3 or 4 days after the surgery, at which time they kicked me out and I have been on my own, trying to take care of my kids and house while dealing with the pain. It's been kinda hard, but like I said, I am pretty well on the mend and things are getting back to normal. And by back to normal, I mean the varicose vein in my side is hurting so bad that every day it feels like something inside me is exploding! Ahhh..the fun of my life! So....now I just gotta address that problem. Now it's time to decide how strongly I feel, or how badly I want to have another baby. I need to weigh whether I can take on the pain for the amount of time it takes to get pregnant again and still function to take care of my children. I have 3 girls that need me so if I can't deal with the pain, then the only option I have left is to have the next surgery so that I can get on with my life and take care of my little ones. This is the hardest decision I have EVER had to make because if I had my choice, I would be healthy and pain free and continue to have as many kids as I possibly could. But it looks like my choices are limited to maybe one more. I have spent many nights crying and praying and many other things lately, and still, the decision isn't made yet. So I guess I will continue to cry, pray, and waiver....for now.

So...
I don't know how many people have had completely idyopathic(meaning the doctors have no stinkin clue what is going on with you) health problems but if you have ever had one, you begin to wonder if you aren't just completely nutters in the head. Then there's me...I have several. Let me tell you, that will you a complex...which will probably also be unexplainable by your psychiatrist. Well, a lot of people know I have endometriosis because I have had it for several years. In February when I had a surgery to remove the tissues, they couldn't find any. This is the second surgery that they couldn't find anything. So finally they decided it was idyopathic pelvic pain. Which makes me feel like an "idyot". I mean...the endo was bad enough because the doctors don't know exactly what causes it, how to cure it, or even most times how to treat it. But now they don't even think it is the endo. So then I went to a pelvic pain specialist who found a varicose vein on my uterus the size of a tennis ball. So...maybe not so idyopathic. But who knows. We removed the endo and I still had pain, which they chalked up to cysts that I get periodically. And by periodically I mean...alot! Then they find the huge vein. Then shortly after that I find out that it isn't normal to not have a period for over 2 years, or 16 months after having a baby...and that was after repeatedly being told it was normal for several months. And during all of this...for the past year, I suddenly developed tailbone pain. It was 3 or 4 months after my baby was born, so the doc ruled out trauma from the birth. I hadn't fallen down. He did x-rays, an MRI and cortisone shots. It wasn't broken, there weren't any cysts or tumors, and the cortisone that was supposed to work for several months only worked for several weeks.
Now, you are probably all wondering why this long tirade on all of my many retarded health problems and here it is:
On the 29th of December I am having surgery to have my tailbone removed. Yes! They are actually removing my tailbone. They also want to remove my uterus and ovaries. I keep thinking...why stop there. You can live without your gallbladder, a kidney, part of your liver, your appendix....hey...maybe we could try a lobe of my lungs, or a chamber of my heart! Yes, I am abusing sarcasm and rolling my eyes as I write this. But I guess I am up for just about anything if it will ease some of my pain. But my doctor has told me I will not be able to pick my kids up for at least a month, and it may take a year or longer to feel better, if it works at all. So, if anyone would like to offer help, I am very willing to accept at this point!
Thanks for listening to my ramblings about doctors and their crazy ideas, and cross your fingers, toes, eyes or whatever you can spare that things go well, and this works. Or maybe praying is a better option! :) Wish me luck! :) And anyone who would like to visit after my surgery feel free also. I am sure I am going to be bored and going crazy!

Wonderful husband

As you can tell from my last blog, things have not been the easiest lately. I went to a special pelvic pain specialist who ran tests and found a very large varicose vein on the right side of my uterus which we believe is creating a lot of the pain. He gave me the options of going on a drug that would temporarily put my body into menopause, and shrink the vein (hopefully) or having another baby. If we decide to have the medicine, we would not be able to try for another baby for at least a year and from the research I have done on the medicine, the side effects of the med is not pleasant and sometimes unpredictable as far as affecting later fertility. This is an extremely hard decision for me. It is something that I waver on every day. But the pain has been pretty bad every since the tests(I really don't think my body appreciated the dye injected into it during the tests). The doctor says he gives us his blessing to try and have another baby and says I may even get relief from the pain although that makes no sense to me. So...needless to say, things at the Wall house have been a little down in the dumps because as every one knows, if mommma isn't happy ain't no one happy. Well, today, my wonderful husband gave me a very nice suprise. He called my sister and asked her to take the kids for a few hours, and then pampered me and got me a relaxing massage. He said he knew I needed a break and boy was it great! It was very nice to have someone think of me and my needs. As most moms know, that is not something that happens often. And though you may think with my problems that people are very attentive to my comfort...it is just the opposite. People just get tired of hearing about how horrible you feel and how much pain you are in and basically could care less if you died. Sounds harsh...but it's true. So thank you, thank you, thank you to the wonderful husbands out there who think about their wives. My hubby is the best!!!