Sometimes I wonder about me...

I felt very proud of myself today. I got up, (a rare occurance) got dressed in real clothes (and even more rare occurance) and went to Costco and WalMart with all three girls in tow (This is a non occurance). Which makes me wonder what this says about me. I mean..seriously now. I see people with 3 and 4 kids at the store by themselves all the time! Some of them are even male! (It's elusive I know, but sometimes you spot them. I think they are nearly extinct. My husband is one of them. I don't know why. Maybe to prove he is as good or better than me...anyway..) But for me, this is a major accomplishment. Of course, that was all I did the ENTIRE day. But..at least I did something...right? I had to come back home and put myself in a drug induced stupor for the next 6 hours. I just love it. If you have ever had your appendix rupture, I have to say...I feel for you. On a regular basis. Like..everyday. Well, I just had to pat myself on the back for that one. Now as for something cute for the day, I am sure there were many things but since I have the memory of Ten Second Larry, the cutest thing I can remember today was when I put in one of my little girls' favorite movies; Alice in Wonderland. (It actually started out as mommy's favorite, and since it was the only one she would let her cute little girls watch a thousand times a day, it became EVERYONE's favorite...except daddy, of course. He can't stand it!) Well, I put in Alice, and as it was running through the opening song and credits, my littlest, Sami, who is only 18 months ( which I am pretty sure I have stated like..I don't know..5 times since I started this blog) started singing gibberish to the song...but on tune!! I am a very proud mama because, anyone who knows my family, knows we are well known for our singing abilities. (My husband...well...let's just say he isn't. But I love him!!) People are always teasing that you have to audition to get in our family. (Which, my husband, case in point, obviously didn't. Still love you honey!!) And my girls, I am very proud to say, are all exceptional in that area so far. All of them, since they were little could sing fairly on tune, even if they don't know the words. So I thought that was very cute. Now I am going to take a few seconds and tell everyone that I have come to realize, (even more than before) what a big mouth I have and how much it gets me in trouble. I wrote a list on Facebook of 25 random things about me, and have been having very uncomfortable, red-in-the-face conversations with people since. Apparently not adding names to some of the suspicious deeds that transpired in my youth, (like when I was in college. I was a little wild then.) have stirred up some pretty interesting conversations. So if any of those misdeeds sound familiar to you, or you may have been a cohort (except for the obvious one in which my brother Nathan was obviously the trespasser, in which case I will shout his misdeed from the rooftops. Stinkin hair cutter!!! You didn't even take classes!) or you think that you know someone that knew someone that heard about something. Stop! It wasn't you! Or them! Or...well...okay...it might be! But that's for me to know, and you to......not. :)

Blog Wild!

So I don't know how well I will do with this whole blog thing...as you can see I have had this page for several months and there are only a few entries and I just barely did enough research to find a cute background and figure out how to put in on. But I have already, in a few short days, found many friends with blogs, and I have started to go a little blog wild!! My next step will be to see what pictures I can get put on this page. I spend most of my computer time on Facebook and have my pictures and things there, but I have found some blogging friends who are not on Facebook, so I will try to get pictures of my wonderful little princesses on here for you! This is in some ways like a journal on line so I am worried about how well I will do with it, because I KNOW how well I do with journals. But we will see. I have noticed how much everyone writes little things about their kids, what cute things they do and say, and about their personalities. I need to do more of that. A lot of what I have done so far is to rant about my extremely frustrating medical problems because, at the end of the day, that is what is foremost on my mind. Mainly because that is when the pain is the worst, but also because the girls are usually asleep so I don't need to think about them as much. It's me time! But I will try and do more of that because my girls are really cute and do many silly, unforgettable things. Like right now, as Kiya, who will be five next month (Kindergarten this year...yikes! I feel old) and Nessa, who is now 3 1/2 are looking at a "map" (a piece of lined paper on which they have written a bunch of swirls with an X in the midst) talking about being a team and searching for treasure by finding the X. Kiya is telling Nessa to quit sitting there, cuz teams don't just sit there and do nothing and they are a team! And my favorite right now is watching the girls with our nearly 2 week old pomeranian puppies. Sami (who will be 18 months in Feb.) calls them her "babies". They love to hold them and kiss them and rock them. Those little puppies are beyond loved! If we can find the right cords I will download those pictures. Well, I could write forever and I have tons I would love to discuss (with myself!) but I will save it for another day.

Surgery update

First of all, for those of you following this, sorry it took me so long to let everyone know how the surgery went. Hope you didn't think I died! :) The surgery went well, but the road to recovery has been long and tedious...and it's not over yet! I haven't been able to sit down for very long for about 4 weeks now. I haven't been able to attend church, drive, or many other things that are normally taken for granted. I still have an open wound, but it is closing up pretty good now. All of the muscles that attatch to the tail bone had to be cut when it was removed, so needless to say, it is pretty sore. But they are starting to heal and not ache quite so bad. I stayed with my parents for about 3 or 4 days after the surgery, at which time they kicked me out and I have been on my own, trying to take care of my kids and house while dealing with the pain. It's been kinda hard, but like I said, I am pretty well on the mend and things are getting back to normal. And by back to normal, I mean the varicose vein in my side is hurting so bad that every day it feels like something inside me is exploding! Ahhh..the fun of my life! So....now I just gotta address that problem. Now it's time to decide how strongly I feel, or how badly I want to have another baby. I need to weigh whether I can take on the pain for the amount of time it takes to get pregnant again and still function to take care of my children. I have 3 girls that need me so if I can't deal with the pain, then the only option I have left is to have the next surgery so that I can get on with my life and take care of my little ones. This is the hardest decision I have EVER had to make because if I had my choice, I would be healthy and pain free and continue to have as many kids as I possibly could. But it looks like my choices are limited to maybe one more. I have spent many nights crying and praying and many other things lately, and still, the decision isn't made yet. So I guess I will continue to cry, pray, and waiver....for now.

So...
I don't know how many people have had completely idyopathic(meaning the doctors have no stinkin clue what is going on with you) health problems but if you have ever had one, you begin to wonder if you aren't just completely nutters in the head. Then there's me...I have several. Let me tell you, that will you a complex...which will probably also be unexplainable by your psychiatrist. Well, a lot of people know I have endometriosis because I have had it for several years. In February when I had a surgery to remove the tissues, they couldn't find any. This is the second surgery that they couldn't find anything. So finally they decided it was idyopathic pelvic pain. Which makes me feel like an "idyot". I mean...the endo was bad enough because the doctors don't know exactly what causes it, how to cure it, or even most times how to treat it. But now they don't even think it is the endo. So then I went to a pelvic pain specialist who found a varicose vein on my uterus the size of a tennis ball. So...maybe not so idyopathic. But who knows. We removed the endo and I still had pain, which they chalked up to cysts that I get periodically. And by periodically I mean...alot! Then they find the huge vein. Then shortly after that I find out that it isn't normal to not have a period for over 2 years, or 16 months after having a baby...and that was after repeatedly being told it was normal for several months. And during all of this...for the past year, I suddenly developed tailbone pain. It was 3 or 4 months after my baby was born, so the doc ruled out trauma from the birth. I hadn't fallen down. He did x-rays, an MRI and cortisone shots. It wasn't broken, there weren't any cysts or tumors, and the cortisone that was supposed to work for several months only worked for several weeks.
Now, you are probably all wondering why this long tirade on all of my many retarded health problems and here it is:
On the 29th of December I am having surgery to have my tailbone removed. Yes! They are actually removing my tailbone. They also want to remove my uterus and ovaries. I keep thinking...why stop there. You can live without your gallbladder, a kidney, part of your liver, your appendix....hey...maybe we could try a lobe of my lungs, or a chamber of my heart! Yes, I am abusing sarcasm and rolling my eyes as I write this. But I guess I am up for just about anything if it will ease some of my pain. But my doctor has told me I will not be able to pick my kids up for at least a month, and it may take a year or longer to feel better, if it works at all. So, if anyone would like to offer help, I am very willing to accept at this point!
Thanks for listening to my ramblings about doctors and their crazy ideas, and cross your fingers, toes, eyes or whatever you can spare that things go well, and this works. Or maybe praying is a better option! :) Wish me luck! :) And anyone who would like to visit after my surgery feel free also. I am sure I am going to be bored and going crazy!

Wonderful husband

As you can tell from my last blog, things have not been the easiest lately. I went to a special pelvic pain specialist who ran tests and found a very large varicose vein on the right side of my uterus which we believe is creating a lot of the pain. He gave me the options of going on a drug that would temporarily put my body into menopause, and shrink the vein (hopefully) or having another baby. If we decide to have the medicine, we would not be able to try for another baby for at least a year and from the research I have done on the medicine, the side effects of the med is not pleasant and sometimes unpredictable as far as affecting later fertility. This is an extremely hard decision for me. It is something that I waver on every day. But the pain has been pretty bad every since the tests(I really don't think my body appreciated the dye injected into it during the tests). The doctor says he gives us his blessing to try and have another baby and says I may even get relief from the pain although that makes no sense to me. So...needless to say, things at the Wall house have been a little down in the dumps because as every one knows, if mommma isn't happy ain't no one happy. Well, today, my wonderful husband gave me a very nice suprise. He called my sister and asked her to take the kids for a few hours, and then pampered me and got me a relaxing massage. He said he knew I needed a break and boy was it great! It was very nice to have someone think of me and my needs. As most moms know, that is not something that happens often. And though you may think with my problems that people are very attentive to my comfort...it is just the opposite. People just get tired of hearing about how horrible you feel and how much pain you are in and basically could care less if you died. Sounds harsh...but it's true. So thank you, thank you, thank you to the wonderful husbands out there who think about their wives. My hubby is the best!!!

Repetitive and CRAZY!!

Has anyone else seen a degree of repetitiveness to the craziness of life? I say this as I am sitting here trying to relax away the pain, in my messy house, being made even more messy by my 3 little girls and one little neighbor girl. Crazy because...well, I guess you have to be here as they run around screaming like banshees and crying every few minutes when somebody trips over someone else or falls off of the chair they are not supposed to be standing on. Or gets bitten by the dog who really does not want to play. I just can't wrap my head around the same old pain that encompasses me amid the changing craziness of my little girls. It is so hard for me, as a wife and mother to have this affliction that wracks and attacks my body in some kind of an increment from moderate to severely severe everyday and not be able to do anything about it. If there is anyone out there listening, this is where I am going to pour out my soul. And it ain't pretty. I feel like I am the only woman in the world who wanted a family more than anything, thought she was going to be the most awesome mother ever, and when she finally got all that she ever wanted...felt like the biggest failure in the whole world. How would you feel if all you could do everyday was tolerate the pain through medicated haziness. No playing with your kids, doing things with them, taking them places. Whenever mommy leaves, my girls say, "Mommy go to da doctor?" That's the only place I ever go. And as no fun mommy lays on the couch watching t.v. and feeling like the most slothful person on the face of the earth, my daughter crawls up to my lap, caresses my tummy and says, "Mommy ouchie tummy?" Because, yes, she knows mommies tummy is always ouchie. My husband comes home from working hard all day, and unlike every other wonderful husband in the world, has to wade through toys, trash, dishes, and whatever else happens to be lying on the floor to get to his kids who aren't dressed and look like they are orphans from off of the street. I listen as my mother tells me that if people where to come into my house they would call social services and take my children away....and this is just a few of the things that I repetitively go through every day. So, when I make it through one more day relatively unscathed, my house isn't in entire ruins, my girls are at least fed, and diapered properly, just not dressed and my babies are still here with me, though I may barely be with them because of the pain and I have kept myself from sinking into a total and complete depressive state....that is what I call my repetitive and crazy day! Welcome to life!

Ah...the good ol' days

I love my little girls. With every ounce of my being. But today...we got a taste of the good ol' days. I think everyone needs this every once in a while. My hubby and I were sick, I have some pain problems from a disease called endometriosis which is sometimes disabling, and my hubby has migraines and plain old bad headaches. Well today, I was having pain problems, as well as fighting my cold, and so he was going to take the girls to church. At least that was the plan. There always seems to be a wrench thrown in the works somewhere. He woke up with a bad headache. Our girls love to go to church. We are mormons, and the girls really enjoy their classes; nursery and primary. So my mom and sister picked them up and took them to go to church in Hurricane. That gave me and my hubby (And the littlest, Samara who is also fighting a cold) a chance for some much needed rest. I was able to lounge in pjs, take a long afternoon nap and generally just be lazy. It is simply amazing how much you think your life changes when you have your first baby. Everything is so busy. Then you have two and you think; wow, I had so much time on my hands! Then comes number three and you can't believe how good you had it when you only had two!! That is when you think of how your mom had six and how she MUST have been absolutely nutters! I also look back and think....Holy Cow!! What was it like when I had none?
P.S. Like I mentioned at the beginning, I totally love my girls. I wouldn't give them up for anything. I am not wishing for the old days back, but just reminding myself why it is always good to live in the moment. Like my mother, I am completely nutters; I am thinking about a fourth one already! (My girls in order of birth are: Kiya Shelly Wall, age 4; Nessalynn Aurora Wall, age 3; and Samara Leilani Wall, age one. Any my wonderful husband is Eric David Wall. Just a short intro!)